Thursday, January 22, 2009

Once Upon A Time....

There was a girl who came back to blogging.
It was such a joyous occasion that all in blogland welcomed her with open arms!
Then, all was right in the world again.

I know-lame intro, but I had to get your attention somehow.
I know that I have not blogged in almost a month.
I am pretty sure that is the longest I have ever gone.
I am such a slacker.
I don't even have any pictures to post.
How lame is that?
I am hoping that you will all forgive me and still love me!

I have really thought about this post.
Wondering whether or not to say anything.
I have asked others opinions-and I have just done nothing until now.
I was talking to a friend last night who said that she loved my blog and she was missing me.
(Holla Kelly)
Really? There are people who read my blog that I don't know about.
HMMMMMM........that got me thinking.

So-here goes.
I ask that you not judge me.
Or, if you do, don't do it in my comments.
I am doing this in hopes that I can maybe help someone else, and me along the way.

As you all know, I was suffering from headaches for over 3 months.
I had every test done.
I did everything they told me to do.
The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was miserable, and in turn was making my family miserable.
My poor husband-he was dealing with his Dad and me.
Well, I got into to see one of the top headache specialists in the state.
It was truly a miracle that this even came to pass.
They did all kinds of tests. I was there for over 4 hours!!!!
What did they find?"
I was so frustrated!

They did tell me a couple of things that I needed to do.
First-they were going to put me on this medicine that was supposed to help.
The main thing-I needed to get off my pain meds.
Now, I must explain something right now.
I have a family Dr. I love him, I trust him and he was the one who was giving me the meds.
I did NOT go to lots of Dr's-just the same one.
I was on a pain med called Dilaudid.
I was given this the first part of November.
So-when they told me that I needed to go off the meds-I had been on Dilaudid for over 2 months and taking about 45 mg. a day.
Now, most people have never even heard of this drug. I had not.
Well, when they told me that I needed to go off this-we did some research.
Dialudid is 5x more potent than morphine.
It is super addictive and there are major withdrawl symptoms.
I went off this drug cold turkey.
I didn't have a choice.
So-on New Years Eve-I started what I refer to as my own personal hell.

I know what lots of you must be thinking. I know that I thought it as well.
So did my family.
You are a drug addict.
Well, I was.
Not by choice. But now, I was the one who was left to deal with the consequences.
When you take this drug-it takes 7 to 10 days to go through all of the withdrawl symptoms.
Most people do this gradually-and when you go off the med slowly-there are practically no problems.
Well-why didn't I do that?
My Dr. was out of town.
I didn't have a choice.
I would have chose to do it any other way than the way I did it.

Day 1-It was like a bad day of the flu.
Chills, fever, aches, that run over by a truck feeling.
All I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't go to sleep. My body wouldn't let me.
I felt trapped. There were times when I couldn't breathe, and lots of times when all I wanted to do was die.
Day two was worse-day three was HELL!
I was throwing up, running to the bathroom every 10 mins. I would just lay on the floor and cry and pray for it to be all over.
It wasn't. Not even close.
Day 4 came and I felt a little bit better.
OH-I was so happy.
Then I woke up the next day.
It was Sunday morning. I had made it to Sunday!
Then-I sat up.
I was on another medicine for my headaches. It is one where you increase the dose slowly.
I had just increased it the night before.
Well-I was allergic to it.
I broke out in hives, throwing up and the other end.
I couldn't keep anything down, no matter how hard I tried.
To make it worse-the meds had also caused me to have restless legs.
I had restless legs for 21 hours straight.
I finally told my husband that we had to do something. I was so sick and dehydrated, I looked gray.
We went to the Dr. and I got some IV fluids.
It really is amazing what a bag of water will do for you.
They changed my meds.
Turns out-my body wasn't making enough seratonin. The lack of this was causing the headaches. I needed to make more so my body would work the way it was supposed to. I know take one pill that helps me sleep. Sleep deep enough that my body gets to a stage 4 sleep-this is when your body makes seratonin. It's working.

So-basically I was addicted to pain meds, had to detox, go through withdrawl and be allergic to the other medicine.
I was so frustrated with the whole system & that no Dr. would work together.
I am happy to say that I lived through it-and am much better because of it.

Why did I post about this?
Why would I tell other people that I was a drug addict.
Don't I know that people read this? All kinds of people.
That is why I wrote this.
I am hoping that I can help someone else.

You can judge me if you want.
I will tell you all-I was not addicted to drugs by choice.
I don't think that anyone tries to get addicted.
It just happens.
I was addicted and had a Dr. who gave them to me.
That doesn't make it any easier.
Sure wish that it did.
I learned that if you are not pro-active in your own health care-no one will be.
Be your own advocate.
DON'T take it, and leave.
Be strong, tough and aggresive.

So-what now?
What is happening now?
I wake up every day and am so grateful for the day.
I am pain free.
My headaches are gone.
I take all my vitamins and am thrilled to be able to.
I am even losing weight.
But when I look in the mirror-I see me-HEALTHY.
My husband is thrilled, my kids are overjoyed and my sister is thrilled that she has her sister back.

So-judge me if you want. I don't care.
I am happy with who I am and am grateful for the the trial that I have gone through.
I sincerely hope that my experiences will help someone else.
Life is hard. It is really hard when you have to do it all alone.
I am grateful to know that I don't have to do anything alone.
My Savior carried me through this, and I know that He will never leave me alone.

God doesn't always calm the storm, sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms his child.


Leeann said...

Judge you? JUDGE YOU? Who would DARE judge you? Tausha, we've all read for the past few months about the pain you've gone through. How were you to know that the medication you were on would have you addicted? And even if you did could you not take it, with the pain you were in?
I am impressed by you. You have gone to hell and back...and lived to write about it. Welcome Back!

Rachel said...

Oh my gosh! What an ordeal you have been through.. I was just thinking about you the other day and wondered how you were. And I judge not I'm just glad your feeling better and are now headache free!

Welcome back from Hell! We are so happy to see you!


Lipstick and Laundry ~Jen said...

WoW... what a ride... I am glad you are back and healthy, here's to a Happy HEALTHY New Year!

Julie said...

Tausha I'm so glad to see you back and to know that your headaches are cured. I've had you in my prayers and have been thinking about you so glad to know you are on the mend. God is good and he doe's hear our prayers!
Have a wonderful weekend

Bonnie the Boss said...

I am glad my friend is back! No one is judging you! It is so nice to hear the pep back in your voce again!

Jessica G. said...

How could I possibly judge someone who has seen a whole new level of hell and climbed back out? I'm just so darned glad you're blogging again!

And I loved the quote at the bottom, there. Might have to steal it.

{A}nnie said...

Im SO happy to hear your ok Tausha!!! your an AMAZING mother and friend and person!

How could I ever judge someone like you....we all have struggles, and hills to climb, you ROCK!
im so very proud of you, sorry you had to go through such yucky

luv ya!

Lola....L..O..L..A....lo--oh--luh! said...

You are AWESOME!!!! I have a friend that went through the same kind of thing, she's better now too!

I am so happy that you aren't in pain now!!

I've missed you funny lady!

Elise said...

I cannot believe that!! And seriously, my dad is a crackhead{literally, like he is in rehab now}, so no judgement here.
Glad to hear you are better.

Tonya said...

I was so glad to see a new blog, and it was good to see you at church. I highly doubt ab=nyone will judge you, besides it is not anyones place to judge you, and they haven't walked in your shoes. I am glad to hear your pain is gone and life can hopefully get back to normal now for you and your family.

oh, and believe me I know how much a bag of fluids can make a difference. It can either make or break my hubby. Love ya!

Inspired Kara said...


I am so proud of you! And, i'm hurting for you all at the same time. What a hard road to walk down. I'm so thankful that God gave you the will power to get through that week from hell.

And, I'm even more happy that your headaches are gone!!!!!

How could we possibly judge you!!!!

Melissa said...

I am sorry you had to go through it... but it sounds like things are SOOOO much better now!! I think there are a lot more people addicted to pain killers than we know of. I would never judge someone for being addicted to perscription painkillers. I think they all start off like you... a Dr. gives them the first pills. I think it's awesome that you were able to go cold turkey! It does sound like hell, but you did it!!

Erin said...

I am glad you are back, and it is nice to meet you. Thank you for stopping by my place!

Carrie said...

Wow well what is important is that you are better! Welcome back!

Crazycozartclan said...

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. We know what those "cold turkey" withdrawls are like! No fun! I know that the Dr.'s are trying to help with the meds but sometimes it doesn work out that way. I Really glad you're feeling better : )

Lori said...

Who would judge you? I'm glad you are headache and pain free and can be yourself again. And welcome back with the blogging! Now that you feel better, I bet a trip to Vegas is right up there on the top of the list - right??

Joy said...

I am sooo glad that you are feeling better!!! You have such a great attitude. And hooray for you for being brave enough to let others know what you went through. Hopefully it will help someone who needs to know.

Sarah said...

That sounds awful! I have been hearing more stories like that lately...I am glad you are feeling better and you are so right...we all have to be our own advocates first.

~Mary Colovich~ said...

I am one of those people who reads your blog that you don't know about! I don't know how I came across it, but I have come to love your writings! Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I believe I am of your same religious culture and can relate to so much of what you say. Although I am older than you (a very young-at-heart grandmother...) I have experienced heart-ache and pain and am currently writing a book about my son's drug addiction. Thank you for your inspiring words. Keep writing! And feel free to stop by and visit my blog! by the way, my usband has chronic migraines..What a challenge...

HappyFLMom said...

No judgment -- just love. Glad you're back and better than before and that you made it. Hugs!

Heidi Reed

Chelsie said...

we are happy to have tausha back! but more so i am happy that you are happy and pain free! it was so good to hang out with you guys tonight. we had a blast. i'm pretty lucky to have such great in laws, thanks for everything. love ya

The Huffies said...

I am glad my friend is back from her personal hell. I know you probably wouldn't do it over again, but just look at the growth you've experienced...I'm glad to have Tausha back, but she isn't the same Tausha...she is a new and improved, polished from refining Tausha. I love you and I'm so glad you're feeling joy again!

Kellie said...

Hey Tash,
i am soo glad you ended up posting about this, and I can tell by the number of comments, that others are as well... so basically we got your back girl.. thank you for posting this,
it was soo fun to visit with you, and thanks for washing my hair :).
You are awesome.

Christina said...

Oh my goodness. You have been through such a terrible time. How awful going through withdrawal from a med that was suppose to help you get through so much pain.

I am glad you are back and well.

Missed you and I'm so sorry you had to go through that and so glad you are headache free.

Amanda@Imperfectly Beautiful said...

Tausha, that is an amazing story. I think you are very brave to share it. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You are a strong woman! I am so glad that you are feeling so good now...what a blessing to you and your family.


p.s. The last paragraph of this post is truly inspirational. It is amazing to me how a little faith can change your perspective!