Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A little tyrade

First, don't look at my spelling or punctuation or paragraphs or lack thereof. I just want to write.

So, Isn't a blog someplace where one can vent, express their true feelings and no one will judge them. Random strangers and friends will offer strength and support because they too, know what it's like to feel that way. That is what a blog is for right? If you don't think so, you will probably not want to read this post. I wont have any pics, I might say something funny, but I can't guarantee that.

Along with the post.
Ok-so I really don't know where to start. How about with some adjectives. Overwhelmed, stressed, sad, distressed, depressed, painful, questioning. Ok, some of you know that i have been diagnosed with Chronic Pelvic Pain. i have been dealing with this pain for 3 years. i was just diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. I have had 6 laproscopic surgeries, and a total hysterectomy all of this before the age of 29. No one can fiegure out what is wrong with me, so this is the diagnosis that i now have. i went to my family doc about a month ago and he gave me great hope. He put me on some meds that were really helping me. i woke up and some days were bad days, but most days were good days. i was feeling so happy. i was starting to feel normal. Those of you who have never felt this way, you are so lucky, and i hope that you never do. For those of you who do know how i feel, i will say a prayer for all of you.

Well, the past 5 days or so, things have really done down hill. i woke up one day with swollen feet that progressed to swollen everything. My pain that seemed to be getting under control, all of a sudden was not anymore and i now look in the mirror and hate what i see. My face and neck are so swollen , it looks like i have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 days. My pain is back, just as bad as ever before and now they tell me that i have thyroid problem.

I am just overwhelmed with my life right now. i know that thing s could be far worse than they are. i keep telling myself that, but I am pretty overwhelmed with everything right now. I just want to wake up tomorrow and feel better. i want to sleep and not wake up at 3 because of the pain. I just want to me again. I am sorry that i am going on like this, but i truly feel non judged here. No one tries to fix it, no one tells me that tomorrow will be better and no one tells me that they understand. i have yet to meet someone who totally understands. so, if you are out there, please tell me that i am not alone. I am sorry that i am being such a baby, i am crying as i write this post. I just want to be normal, i want to be a great mom again instead of a mom who is sick. I want to be a wife who can go away for her aniversary which is tomorrow and i can't go. I just want to be me. I know that this is happening for a reason, i know that this is just a trial, i just wish that it was over. Tomorrow will be better than today, my world wont seem so overwhelming, but right now, i feel like I am being crushed with the reality of everything. Well, if any of you are still reading, I appreciate you. Just knowing that i am a part of this whole blogging community sometimes gives me great comfort. thanks so much. I appreciate anyone who reads my blog and leaves a comment, they really do make my day. Ok-enough with the rambling. I said that i would not be wordy-i lied, I'll try better next time.


Em Russ said...

girl, now you're going to have to do another post because you promised to make me laugh... Taush, I am so sorry! I had no idea and it just makes me ache for you! Hang in there!

Jen said...

I found your blog through Bonnie's. I just want to send you (((HUGS))). Let me know if you need me to do anything. I hope they kind find something to help you. That really stinks!

Emily said...

Sorry to hear. Hope it gets better soon!

Jill said...

I can't even imagine the kind of pain that you are going through.
I do understand many of your feelings. I suffered with migraine headaches for many years. It was so hard to take care of every day things when I had a headache.

"I just want to be normal, i want to be a great mom again instead of a mom who is sick."

You have no idea how well I understand this statement. I got to a point where I was having 3-4 headaches a week. I just wanted to be normal. I couldn't understand why my body was going to all the trouble of creating this stupid headache, when it could just relax, and feel ok. I could see no good reason why I had to deal with this.
I was lucky. I finally found a doctor who successfully treated my headaches, they are now few and far between (knock on wood)
Hang in there!
I hope you get feeling better.

Chelsie said...

Taush, I'm so sorry, I know I've said that before, but I truly am. I hope that Peter helps you out when you go see him today. And you ARE a great mom! Your girls love you and you do so much for them...they are so lucky to have you

Scawni said...

Hey Taush. Nobody knows how you feel and that is ok. I do know how it feels to be tired- and I think that is one of the worst feelings in the world. Nothing seems to help but to sleep. But even when you do that and you wake up- you just want to go back to bed. Hang in there. Things will get better I promise. You are strong and don't let anyone tell you other wise.(even me!)I hope you feel better soon so we can go shopping. I have missed out working all the timeand now that I don't have to- You gotta get better so you can hang out with me!!!! Love ya!

Scawni said...

Oh and by the way--- Happy Anniversary!!

Melissa said...

Tausha - I'm so sorry that you are struggling... hopefully the doctors will be able to find something to help fix whatever it is that causes you pain... hugs!

Lybbert's said...

(((HUGS))) I am SO sorry you're having a rough day... one of many. I know what it's like to live with constant pain. It IS hard to keep going but somehow, we do. Let me know if you ever want to chat - I mean it.

Crazycozartclan said...

Haaaaapppy Annniversary! How about instead of out we stay in I'll come to Ogden and we can eat ice cream and jump on the bed to Faith Hill. (I'm sure you would have an adaquate flavor description by now!) Sure this could hurt but it would be worth it! I promise. Hang in there... P.S. even sick moms can be completetly fabulous! I would know

Susan Bilheimer said...

You are not alone. Not at all. Please take a look at my site www.SecretSuffering.com. In addition, I'm writing a book about sexual/pelvic pain and its effect on relationships with Dr. Robert Echenberg. He just sent me an email to read your blog. There are lots of sites that will give you support. Thank you for having the courage to speak out about this. I hope you feel better soon. Susan Bilheimer